Surviving suicide: My journey of grief and bipolar disorder
People most commonly associate suicide with depression, but it’s a misconception that a person can only feel suicidal when they are extremely sad.
The first time I was ever suicidal, it was because I was depressed. For days, I drowned myself in tears, praying that either God would take my life or I work up the courage to take it myself. During the moments that I didn’t waste on prayers for death, I simply then switched gears and prayed for mania.
I had never experienced mania before, but to my understanding, it was supposed to make me feel happy, energetic and most of all, not suicidal. Weeks passed and then finally my first manic episode arrived. I was still suicidal though, probably more so than when I was just depressed. With my thoughts racing so fast, I could barely decode my own feelings. I didn’t even know who I was during these episodes.